Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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