Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
