It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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