I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
