Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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