Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
