I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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