i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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