i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
did i walk over a car last night?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
