SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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