i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
