I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
