just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
