i need an iv and a liver transplant
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
