Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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