My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
