I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
