I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
