It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
