Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize