im about as happy as oj after his trial
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
