Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
