I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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