They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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