I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
