I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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