i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
