absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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