So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
