did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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