I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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