The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
