last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
