Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Is it because I queefed?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
