You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
