Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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