When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
