Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
