soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize