his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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