I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize