Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
