If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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