as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
