Yo dont text me then not text me
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
