**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We were destined to go to rehab together
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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