My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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