the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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