sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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