Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
