So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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