I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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