insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
