So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think I just shit out all my problems.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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