my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
