Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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